Update 2011-10-20: Picture of Alcoholics Trey Parker & Matt Stone Naked at Bottom!
"I'm not drunk, I'm just drawn that way."
i almost forgot to mention in yesterday’s dregs that Stan Marsh of South Park is now an alcoholic. While many will no doubt say it’s a two-dimensional portrayal, it’s obvious the lines have been drawn. Young Stan may never be able to erase his colorful past, but we here at the Bar None hope he’ll be able to turn the page and start with a blank slate.
2011-10-20 Because someone had to go there and you wouldn’t:
As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.
From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.
He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.
In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.
i wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.
For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.
You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.
It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.
Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.
Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”
Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.
Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.
If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.
This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?” i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.
We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None
Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.
In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like
Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.
Bar None Dregs
Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.
If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.
While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?
And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.
Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.
To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?
Yesterday’s blogs overflowethed so hard that i had no choice but to split it up into bitty bite sized shots. So after yesterday’s Commoner Dregs, i’m proud and a little embarrassed to present this week’s
You know who’s cool? Of course you don’t, that’s why you come here so i can tell you and i’m telling you right now that it’s Denzel Washington. He’s cool because he went to a bar with some of his peeps and he didn’t drink a drop. Still, out to give t-totalers a good name, he spent 5 grand buying his peeps shit like
5 bottles of Ciroc vodka
5 bottles of Don Julio
5 bottles of Moët Rosé
Plus, you know where he got all that change to be so generous? That’s the prize money you end up with when you’re sober, Barmaids and Beerhounds.
On the other hand, the only thing P Diddy is making a good impression on is his fake leather bean bag chair. The official alcoholic for Ciroc vodka got pissed when some guy named Kevin Burns burned his butt for drinking Grey Goose, which is who pays Kevin Burns to get drunk anyway. Things got so tense at the BET Awards that another person called “T. I.” (“What would you like to name your son Mr & Mrs I?” “Uhm…T. Yeah, that’s it: T.”) had to separate them.
Sara Leal is heartbroken. If only she’d known Ashton was married! C’mon, it’s not like it was common knowledge or anything. If she’d ever learned how to read at a sufficient level for People, she wouldn’t have to go around getting all this money for talking about her slutty self. Or maybe she’s a drunken party slut fame whore. Who’s drunk.
She can find comfort in the knowledge that she won’t have to go through her tabloid pregnancy alone, though.
You already knew Shia Leboeuf was an alcoholic like me because i already told you that shit right here, except he’s not totally like me because he doesn’t own it like i do. Also he’s not like me because i was never the kind of angry ass drunk he is ’cause he was in a bar and got thrown out for getting rowdy in someone’s face. Then outside, he got in a fight if “getting in a fight” means that someone who hasn’t shaved his beer belly knocks you to the ground and repeatedly punches you in your face.
You know how else i know Shia has problems? The dude he got beat up by is Canadian.
Apparently Michael Lohan got out of jail last week or something and i think it’d save everyone a lot of time and paperwork and mugshot film if they just kept him locked up because that’s where he wants to be anyway. Why else would the first thing he does when he gets out of jail be to call the woman he beat up to get into jail the first time?
He was apparently drunk dialing her so the cops though he was a threat and rolled up to his place so he did the drunk thing and jumped off a third floor balcony. Then he tried to hide in a bunch of trees.
In the year 2525, there’s going to be the reunion film of Hannah Montana, and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.
In one scene, Oliver Oken (Mitchel Musso) is going to be lying in bed with Hannah’s brother, Jackson, inserting vodka bottles into places that can’t swallow. Then Oliver / Mitchel’s gonna break down in tears and sob about how one night when he was driving home, traffic cops smelled booze on his breath and had him do a field sobriety test, which he bombed as bad he he already was. Then he was stupider than Redneck Furry Todd in yesterday’s Dregs because he accepted the breathalyzer which showed he was well over 0.08%. Plus, he was underage because he was only 20.
“It’s behind you now,” Jackson says, caressing Mitchel’s behind now.
“Yes,” Mitchel answers, continuing to cry, “that’s the problem! I was hoping to go to prison and get broken in right as some big mother’s bottom bitch.”
The real tragedy is, that’s a true story. At least the DUI part.
The good news is that in 2006-2007 Musso had the good sense to choose co-star Emily Osment as his beard so i’m allowed to do an exposé of her and not him.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
i got some Emily shots stuffed in my drawers. All you gotta do to see ‘em is scroll all the way down.
i’ve been talking enough today. Let’s get it straight from the horse’s…young lady’s mouth.
Every time I run into her [Miranda Lambert], usually I’m intoxicated and I’m slurring, ‘We need to sing a song!’ at her. She says she wants to do it, but every time she has an album coming out, I do too, so we’re both too busy. Or she’s sidestepping me.
Kelly, if she’s avoiding you, you can always come to the Bar None and hang out with us. This is what that would look like.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There are some Kelly Clarkson shots filling my drawers down there.
Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night.
[Press 'Play' for a song that goes, "Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we're gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah." In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i've included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]
What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what does this drunken bastitch do?
Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.
The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.
Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair
October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.
i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.
Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.
Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.
Bar None Artist's Hallucination
November 8: Doggie Style BeerWhen is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.
i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.
You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.
In Dog Beers, I've only had one.
Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.
The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Celebrity Dregs
Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”
You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).
Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.
i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.
Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.
Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.
Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”
There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again
Like many grumpy bastards my age (mid-30′s….) I like to have a rant against the world. Thanks to the internet, everyone can rant away to their heart’s content. Whether people listen… well, that’s another problem, but often, it’s less about who reads the rant as much as it is about just doing the ranting.
There’s a couple of things I’ve seen in recent weeks and months that have just made me weep for the future of humanity. As a grumpy old bastard, it’s my solemn duty to now proceed to berate you with what I see as prime examples of bottom-feeding pond scum living off the goodness of others.
The first is the recent scandal surrounding the recently-Princessed Catherine Middleton, and the smeary French photographer who took about 200 photos of her sun-baking semi-nude on a private estate, which led to an equally smeary French magazine making the decision to, in the name of public interest, publish several of them. In the interest of the public? I think you’re adding an extra “l” mate – I think it’s in the interest of the pubic. Everyone loves to see a celebrity in the raw, a bit of nip-slip and casual cellulite parading ensuring that the general lardness of the population are kept thinking that these “celebrities” are nowhere near perfect and actually, when you think about it, just like you and me.
Is that a telephoto lens in your pocket, or are you just fapping over me again?
Probably because they fucking are just like you and me. But we like to know it, to see it, and if we can, probably poke and prod it too.
Catherine – Cate, C-mid or whatever tween-speak nickname currently flying about Facebook she happens to use – was on private property, away from “the public”, in the company of her husband (not some affair or tawdry fling), and not in the least bit expecting to have to concern herself with some dickhead carrying a camera perched like a pervert on the roof of a car some kilometer or two away. Unlike her brother-in-law barely a fortnight earlier, who’d been filmed with his crown jewels out at a private party in Las Vegas (where everyone carries a phone with a camera in it), Catherine had every right to expect some semblance of privacy. Anybody declaring that she should have expected this kind of thing should fucking think about what they’re saying. She was on private property. She was topless. She had her tits out….. dear god, those tits….
By Christ, I wish I’d taken the photos.
Kate demonstrates her technique in artificially inseminating a cow….
Actually, no, I don’t. Because no doubt the furor this whole tawdry affair has caused will not die down until somebody goes to jail – or worse, has to pay up big – and even then, I doubt it’ll stop things like this from going on in the future. A slight cringe from the Royal Family came when Prince William made the link between the paparazzi taking wank-snaps of his super-hot wife (and let’s face it, I’d say there’s a couple of sticky pages in some gossip magazines slid under many a teenage boys mattress dotted around the world, featuring Her Royal Hotness) and the way they hounded his mother, the blameless and faultless Princess Diana, to her death in a Parisian car tunnel. You think the HRH’s would learn to just stay the fuck out of France, right? Linking the two events did seem like a little too much overkill – at least William could have let somebody else make the link instead of doing it himself, because I think it’s a bit of a long bow to draw between Diana’s car-wrecked-evening out and Cate’s lubed-up sun-splash. Cate wasn’t even in a tunnel, although I’d say William hoped he’d be in hers before the day was out…. right?
Random pic that came up when I typed “French fuckers” into Google….
The media frenzy when this story launched was – and let me state this as clearly as possible, so no mistake is made – fucking disgraceful. Obviously, the photographer went into hiding (and if he/she is ever named, will be hounded into the ground themselves by a future frenzy, I daresay), while the editor of said French magazine (a magazine named Closer…. closer to what, a stay in jail?) declared to all and sundry he had every right to publish the images, and of course, this went against what the HRH’s thought about it all. Inevitably, the magazine did publish the photos, and eventually (because everything salacious ends up on the internet) they turned up in Google’s search engine. So now, forever and a day, people will be able to gaze upon the lovely – albeit slightly blurry – royal funbags and fap away to their heart’s content. I think what that French photographer did was akin to rape – or at least some other kind of rage-inducing act of defilement against a person – in as much as he took images of a person in a private situation and exploited them to his or her own ends. Sure, but what about all the nipple slips and panty-less shots of various female celebrities before this, you ask. I bet Emma Watson’s various side-boobage has embarrassed her no end, but you don’t see her kicking up a stink.
Aim here, lads.
That’s because the majority of stuff we see in gossip magazines is of people in public places, going about their sordid lives for everyone to see. Lindsay Lohan, the execrable, talentless excuse for an “it girl” a few years back who ended up deciding a career trajectory just south of hard-core porn might be a good choice, never gets caught with her tits out at home – no, she flashes those fuckers at nightclubs and other swanky (or, wanky, if you’re like me) soirees to which she’s invited in order to get her bits out to spark a “controversy”….. controversy so overrated it’s like watching two snails screwing. Boring. Nobody get photographed in the privacy of their own home – unless you’re teen sensation Vanessa Hudgens, who took nudie snaps of herself and sent them to her then-boyfriend Zac Efron for his sexual elucidation – and man, did we all elucidate on that! I’m not adverse to celebrities sexing themselves up to heighten interest in themselves, because God knows it worked out so well for Paris Hilton, but when you’re not “on duty” as a celebrity, surely you could expect a modicum of restraint by the gaggling hordes of fuckwits paparazzi… surely?
Apparently not even private property is really all that private.
My final word on the CateMid saga is this: one day the world is really going to be fed up with this kind of dirty shit, and these parasites are going to go back to the sludge and slime they obviously crawled out of (no, I do not think their business model need be maintained by the appearance of some starlets aureola sliding out from a dress) and we’ll all have to get along with a lot less shit clogging up our Google search engines. And the sooner these oxygen thieves get the message on that, the better. I know, it won’t be soon, but one day…. one day, I’ll be able to walk around the street with my junk out and no fucker’s gonna give a shit.
My junk on display.
***
The second thing that’s pissed me off recently is just how stupid the American election campaign cycle actually is. I mean, does anybody in the US ever sit back at some stage and think, man, people outside the US (whoever is stupid enough to live outside the US) must really think this is…. ultra gay. I mean, neither the Dumbocratic or the Reptillian campaigns have even the slightest sense of humility or humanity. It’s all show and go – money-shot after money-shot of sound-bytes and social media hashtags of ordinary folks going about their daily lives until they’re forced to attend these idiotic flag-waving conventions and rallies where badly dressed political figurines get up and showboat about how good the US is and how voting for them is gonna make that unfortunate global financial crisis just go away. Fuck you, debt ceiling. We don’t want you, so we’ll just vote in a law saying you don’t exist. Whatever I need to say to get elected – hell, I’ll even mention that I’m into Jersey Shore if it’ll gain me the youth vote (which it won’t, you stupid turd, because that show is, like, shit).
What the Obama Cabinet was doing….
Seriously, who the hell thought Clint Eastwood just upfucked the election with one fowl empty-chair debacle? My hand went up when I YouTubed that puppy, I can tell you. Obama must has creamed his pants when he saw that.
I’m no US hater, nor do I love them, but the empty, vacuously self-obsessed election campaign, which has dragged on for what seems like the lifespan of an incontinent septuagenarian, is so utterly without human feeling and any kind of truth, you have to wonder if it’s no more than another event-bigger-than-the-event crap like the Superbowl. Remember when the Superbowl was about football? For most people now, it’s about the cool advertising and new movie trailers that debut each year and cost a small fortune to air. Who won last years Superbowl without Googling it? Or the year before? Yeah, that’s what I fucking thought.
It’s true because it’s… er… funny…. right?
I don’t really care about Mitt Romney’s war record, whether he’s circumcised or whether his last stool sample contained traces of nuts. Obama’s campaign has, from what I can tell way over here in the dark recesses of the Bar None, remained seemingly innocuous in its lack of scandal (as I type this, Mitt Romney’s latest gaffe, in which he called 47% of US folks “lazy”…. ha ha, fuck you Romney, you just got punked, dude!) is something of a breath of fresh, “Yes We Can” air. The muck raking and the poo-slinging and the name-calling and the gutter-sniping that accompanies every US election since fucking forever seems to just be a neverending cycle of trash talk and aggrandizing by pompous multimillionaires who lack the common touch the rest of the population craves. Here’s a thought, America. Instead of insisting on your politicians and your President being a douche-bag billionaire with no concept of doing it tough, how about electing – by mandate – somebody who earns sub-$50K a year? If all the rich people in the world can’t get it right, how about letting the poor people have a crack at stopping the whole thing from collapsing in a heap?
Because everyone laughs when a weapon is discharged….
No, the US Presidential race is like a threesome with a hooker – it’s okay until you notice the third person is another dude, and then it’s just uncomfortable, avoidance-prone and fucking ugly from below. And at some point, you have to consider the possibility of anal.
[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press 'Play' to hear Chris Brown sing, "And I'm a hit this drink up like it's my last, I'm a hit this night up like it's my last, I'm a hit this ass up, like it's my last"]
Celebrity Dreg
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Disclaim-her
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.
From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me
[Press 'Play' for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]
You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.
See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her brother’s head.
i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?
God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.
You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.
The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.
Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.
The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.
Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.
Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.
Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None
Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.
The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.
Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.
Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you
i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…
Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.
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Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.
Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.
Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident
i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.
Bar None Dregs
For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?
Troll Colonoscopy
Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?
i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.
Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press 'Play' for "For the unforgettable nights we couldn't take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I'm home / I get the messages saying that it is on"]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ‘em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
Yeah, i said it. Like everyone else hasn’t been saying it already.
As of this writing (2013-07-14 13:11 Yemen time), the news of Cory Monteith’s death in a Vancouver hotel room has hit the net. The official cause is still unknown, but authorities say that no foul play is suspected.
People, if you die alone in a hotel room and no foul play is suspected, it’s either an INXSTC neck tie or you killed yourself with substances, intentionally or not.
i’m not here to mock him. If you don’t know who Cory Monteith was, which is entirely possible when you think about the typical patrons of The Bar None, then, well…what i can tell you is that he was the star of a TV show called Glee and if you don’t know what that it is well, what can i tell you? Other than he was a teen idol and that it doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that he had addiction issues which seemed to begin with alcohol (he first went to rehab at 19) and then evolved into drug use.
What also matters is that you will die the same way he did if you do the same shit he does. So he was like you and especially like me and not because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker. OK, not just because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker.
i am an alcoholic in recovery after a 30-year drinking career. i got sober after getting out of the hospital where i spent 10 days (three in ICU where family and friends were called to my bedside in case i didn’t make it) when i tried to kill myself.
i was lucky. Cory Monteith wasn’t. That’s what it comes down to.
What it really comes down to is you. This post is all about you.You have not committed suicide, on purpose or otherwise. Don’t start now.
The Harry Prince continues his glorious rise to the bottom. His grace has already graced the Bar None with his drunken antics and he assures me that we can continue to count on his patronage. He’s told me this in person, through the choice of his new princess consort: Cressida Bonas.
(Note that “Bonas” is UK-speak for “Boners”. As in, “Prince Harry should marry Cressida and take her name so people would call him, “Harry Bone-ahs”.)
The best part about her apart from everything else is that she’s a party animal just like his High – ness.
Now, the Bar None has always been a No H8R zone, and this video as forced me to declare the premises a Bully Free zone as well. The problem is, i’m trying to decide what constitutes bullying, so i’m asking for your help.
Your answers will help me decide who and what i write about in the dregs coming up.
Saint Pauly over at WTF!? Watch the Film has been keeping busy with his reviews as funny as old meat smells.
Check out:
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Human Centipede 2
WTF!? (Watch the Film) God Bless America
WTF!? (Watch the Film) The Darkest Hour
WTF!? (Watch the Film) Resident Evil: Extinction
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.
There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.
The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.
At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.
Harry Styles after the Bar None
My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…
The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!
“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”
“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”
“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”
“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”
“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”
“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”
Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.
And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.
But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.
Cara Delevingne
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift in the Bar None
Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner in the Bar None
Kimberly Stewart
Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None
Caggie Dunlop
Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Emily Atack
Emily Atack in the Bar None
Emily Ostilly
Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None
Felicity Skinner
Felicity Skinner in the Bar None
Kara Rose Marshall
Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None
Caroline Flack
Caroline Flack in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.
His latest review is…
WTF!? review of Behaving Badly
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
